Sometimes everything happens all at once

Friday at work was one of those days when everything that could go wrong, did. First a meeting was canceled and no one told me. Then one of my admin team asked me for some supplies she'll need over at the other site when she moves this coming week. Excuse me, what on earth are you talking about? Her response - Oh, I thought you knew. Apparently, there was a decision made on Wednesday evening that didn't get communicated to me or one of the other execs. It was bad. I, of course, was a bit angry that I wasn't told about it. All I got from the decision makers is 'We didn't intend to leave you out of the loop.' I responded with about three or four process changes that have to be made right away. Their response, 'Great, you've already started planning. We need to sit down at our next process meeting to dialogue this all out.' Ummm, okay.

Next up, all four of the execs were supposed to add personal notes to the already late Christmas cards - only one of them showed up for that. So I took the cards from the table and put them away in my office to mail out on Monday. Two of the guys came into my office at 4:00. 'Is it too late to work on the cards?' I said (with a smile) 'it should be but no, the cards are still here. They finished up the cards close to 4:45. Great, that's done.

I checked on my email close to 5:00 to see that another one of the girls had done something outside her job duties (part of my job) without checking with me first. Obviously, somebody asked her to do it but still she shouldn't have done it herself since she hasn't been fully trained in it. I asked her why she had worked on that task (via email). I haven't received a response to that question yet.

I know this is one of those times I'm going to look back at as no big deal. but right now, its a huge deal to me. I feel like I'm being treated like I'm not an important part of their team. Its just really frustrating for me to be given responsibility, then disrespected. All I ask for is a little consideration for how their actions will affect others around them.

And for the kicker - Yesterday I was checking my work email at home which I rarely do on the weekends. I had a voicemail (which I don't usually open either but it was a number I didn't recognize), telling me that Footlocker had a question about the order I placed. I called the number to find out someone had ordered some shoes and a hat with my company credit card, but using my personal address. After talking to Footlocker to get the order canceled, I called my credit card company to report the fraud on my card and cancel it. What a mess!

Great Unexpectations

Last night during my walk, I was talking to my friend Malibu. She's had a rough week. I reminded her that it was pint night. We called Ange to go too. We went out and ran into some friends at the pub, played a quick dice game, watched our friend dance like a gorilla - arms flailing about lol - we were hit on by old guys, etc. Sharing a glass of beer with good friends is so much fun. Girls night out was fantastic! We all left each other feeling like we could face another day. :)

Today was one of those days when you wake up to see the alarm clock glowing red with 7:55. Crap!! Luckily I had my clothes picked out and took a shower last night so I got up and dressed and out the door in 16 minutes.

The day went smoothly. Everyone was in a good mood and joking around. The morning flew by and the afternoon was productive.

My sis and I decided at lunch to hit the local Old Navy after I got off work. When we got there, we tried on lots of different clothes, but didn't find anything. Pretty disappointing considering how much I usually love shopping there. I didn't want to waste the trip, so I picked out some pj bottoms and a few unmentionables.

We walked to the car and got in. We both were feeling a bit hungry and decided to go to Chili's on a whim. Yummy steak fajita pita and molten lava cake. I swear I'll be good on my diet tomorrow. ;)

It was fun to be spotaneous!! It was great to spend time with my sis too. I love reconnecting and building those important relationships.

argh bleh

I can't sleep. It's 1:30 and I'm WIDE AWAKE. Why can't I just sleep like I used to? In bed by 11:00, asleep by 11:30. It's simple really. Nowadays, it's more like in bed by 12:00, maybe asleep by 12:3o or 1:00. This is ri-dam-diculous. I hate it. Normal people are way into REM sleep by now, but me.....no such luck.

Maybe it's 'cause I have so much on my mind. Boys are stupid and I can't for the life of me figure out why one, any of 'em, won't give me a shot. My friends are great but there's something unsure lying just underneath the surface there because I can feel it. I feel like my aunt is trying to be a martyr even tho I know she's not at all. Money is always an issue because I can't stick to a budget because I suck at saving money and I love to spend it. Work is going well but every so often I want to scream 'stop bugging me!!' to some of the newbies even tho I know they're just trying to learn and do their job. My health for the time being is stable but I fear what the future holds - heart disease, diabetes, arthritis and cancer all run in my family. Dang it, now it's 1:47.

Is this alot of complaining? Yep, I know it is. I think I just need to spew forth once in a while all the crap that's bogging me down. I try to hide it but there are many who can read me like primary grade book. This is that something I hate - showing that I'm weak and scared and lonely and unsure. I'm a big fan of things making sense and right now, nothing really does. 1:54.

A few years ago, someone asked me, 'when was the last time someone just held you and let you cry?' I didn't have an answer. So she held me close and let me cry and be still. I miss that feeling of comfort and someone telling me everything is going to be okay.

And I swear, if one more person asks me why I haven't tried eHarmony yet, I'm going to punch them in the face. Well, probably not. But I think I'm really going to be tempted. Truth is, I did. For a month. It's flipping $36 flushed neatly down a toilet.

So much piss-offedness in one girl. 2:03...and I've made up a new word.

Have you heard of leap-frogging? It's where you introduce two friends and then they start hanging out together exclusively and all of a sudden you feel like a horse's ass for feeling left out. yeah, I don't like that feeling either.

Lives are changing around me, in big, awesome, marvelous ways! I want a change. Why can't I have a change? I want some comfort. I want a little slice of what it feels like. I want positive attention. I want understanding and forgiveness. I want truth. I want my family to stop being so prideful and materialistic and one-upping. I want a few people to grow backbones, including myself. I want to sleep!!!!!! It is now 2:18...starting to fade finally.

Tomorrow will be better.

Keith and Julie got married today!

Here's proof:


Julie and Keith



Courtney and George



Courtney George and me. Yep I'm burnt. It was 100 degrees and I forgot the sunscreen.



Courtney and I before dinner.




George and Jon being silly. Notice the portable air conditioner by our table?


Congratulations! I love you two!

About Schmidt anyone?

My mom is funny. I'm just gonna put it out there. She is funny.

Today, she stopped by my house after church and asked me to do her a favor. hmmm...like what, ma??

She wanted me to take her picture to send to her little sponsor boy in Vietnam. How cute is that? She pulled out a disposable camera and we found a 'scenic' place in my backyard to take a pic. (I brought out my digi cam just in case her disposable camera pics don't turn out.)

And now I present to you...my mom. :o)

My new look

I have before and after shots now to show off my new look.

Before surgery:


After surgery:




I can't believe how much better I look and feel - physically and mentally.

Didn't know that was still in there

Last night, I was cleaning out more files and paperwork that is way past old from my room. I found old school papers, church bulletins, emails that I thought were important, etc. - all trash. I also found my very non-high-tech inventory list (written in Wordpad probably) of all of my cassette tapes from 10 years ago. Good Lord, Krista throw that crap out! Which I did.

Then I found a few little pieces of paper stuck in one of my keepsake boxes. I opened up the paper to read the name and phone # of my ex-whatever he was written in his own handwriting looking back at me, along with the receipt from Starbucks from our first date. I stared at it for a brief moment and then started feeling ill as if I was going to throw up. I kept murmuring incoherent words and gripping the paper. I felt a release from the center of my being. I started to cry, a little at first and then more came. I kept thinking that I haven't cried that hard in a long time - the kind of crying that makes your whole mouth turn numb and into an O shape. It's a deep emotional cry for me. I couldn't stop and all I could think of was I really needed someone to talk to.

I had to crumple the paper in my hand and throw it in the trash. I picked up my cell phone - 9:15 pm. Desperately I scrolled thru names trying to find someone who knows the story behind this madness - no she's pregnant and probably sleeping, no she's on vacation, no he's probably at work, no he'll laugh at me, no she's a good listener but can't relate, no she's out with other friends tonight, no I can't call him...people always dump on him. On and on I went, name after name.

Finally, I decided that I had to call someone, so I called A. I told her what just happened and she listened. She listened and she didn't judge, she didn't laugh at me. She told me I wasn't crazy and that she understood. She also said something that made me realize what happened, she said "Maybe the demons he left with you finally decided to get out". We laughed together, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized it was probably true.

I called another friend K who I thought might be home and she was supportive too. She's young, but she actually understood and could relate. She listened and empathized. At that moment I knew I called the right people.

I don't know if I'm completely done healing. Last night was a major step but who knows how long it will be until the next step. I like to think that life is all about learning. Learning things about yourself and the world around you every day. Last night I learned that I needed to let go of more baggage that was hidden deep within my soul. I also realized that there are people in my life that care about me and don't know why I am hurting, but I fear telling them because it will hurt them too.

"To love at all is to be vulnerable.

Love anything and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken."

- CS Lewis

I had to think about this. How many times have I broken God's heart? He loves me more than anything. Does he cry over me? He made Himself vulnerable here on earth and was broken so that I can receive His grace. What do I do with His love?

Riley - my buddy

Today I woke up hearing Riley crying. It wasn't his usual cry, more of a 'I'm really in pain' kind of cry. He managed to jump off the the bed, then when he tried to start walking, he couldn't. He was dragging his back legs behind him. He started crawling down the hall, crying the whole way.

My sis and I thought maybe he had something stuck or that he tweaked something in his back enough that it was pinched or something. I started to pet him and he just kept crying. I touched his leg and it felt light. I lifted his leg up to see if he kept it up and no, it fell back to the floor.

We called the vet and they said to bring him right in. So we picked him up and put him in the carrier. We called both of our jobs and told them the situation. We took Riley to the vet, still crying and now throwing up. He still couldn't move his lower half.

The vet asked if he may have been hit by a car, but no he's an inside cat. The vet listened to his heart, then followed the artery down to his leg. The vet looked up and I knew it wasn't good. He was very sweet about it.

Riley had a heart condition that we weren't aware of. It was a galloping murmur that caused him to have blood clots. We never saw any clots so we didn't know. Otherwise he's been a very happy and healthy cat, we've never even had to take him to the vet. the only time he's ever been to the vet was for his neuter. This time around he had a very large clot that had traveled to his legs and was blocking his femoral arteries, basically cutting off 90% of the circulation to his legs. The vet told us he didn't hear a pulse in one of his legs.

We had two options, we could go all out meaning doing invasive surgery and removing the clot and putting him on meds giving him a 10% chance of survival or we could put him to sleep. I had already told myself when I first got him that if anything major happened to him, I wasn't going to go to extensive lengths to try to save any pet, no matter how special they are. I told the doctor that I thought it would be best to put him to sleep. I started to cry. He gave him a shot for the pain and gave us some time to say goodbye. I petted Riley and told him I would miss him. I told myself it was the best thing for him. It all happened so fast, I'm glad he didn't suffer too long.

We left the vet's office about 8:45 and proceeded to go to work. I took lunch a little early since I still felt like I needed to ball my eyes out. I didn't think it would hurt this much, but it does. Just knowing I won't have him around anymore makes me very very sad.

He was full of mischief and humor. He was a love bucket. I never got a good picture of it, but he had a heart shaped patch of white on his chest which stood out against his black hair. To lose him this close to Valentine's Day with a heart condition just kind of seems fitting.

I'm going to miss him.

I'm back

Six days ago on Jan. 16th, 2007, I had breast reduction surgery. Here's the play by play..

Mon. Jan 15th - I'm freaked out and a little worried that my surgery is going to have complications. I'm a bit of a hypocondriac, so I had anyone and everyone praying for me. I busied myself with getting 'everything' ready for my recovery period - clean room, put all clothes away, get reading material ready for days of sleepy boredom in bed, etc. I can't sleep so I'm up til 2:30 am when I finally fall asleep.

Tues. Jan 16th - I wake up for no reason at 5:30 am (found out later my mom woke up at 5:30 too). Got up and got showered, dressed and hair in ponytail. I was ready by 6:15. I got online and surfed the 'net til 7:15 or so when my mom arrived to take me to the Modesto Surgery Center - about 20 minutes away. I got to the surgery center at 7:45 am then waited almost a half hour to be taken back to pre-op. I had to put on the lovely colorless hospital gown and lay down and rest. My friend K's mom Jan was my nurse, so it was nice to have a friendly face there. My mom and I talked and joked a bit about random stuff. I could hear the surgeons talking to the old guy and his wife in the bed next to me about the 'possible cancer growth' on his ear. He asked if he could go bowling that afternoon. Silly old guy...

Jan started my IV drip of 'water' around 8:30 to prep me for my surgery scheduled for 9:00. It was chilly going into my veins! About 10 minutes later, she started the antibiotics into the IV. I was a bit scared when one of the two hit my heart because I felt it jump a bit. Jan watched me for a minute and asked me if I felt okay. I did. I did feel okay.

About 9:00, Jan told me that my surgery was going to be delayed until 10:00. I told her I was starting to get more anxious. She gave me something to 'relax' me. I joked with my mom at that point since that's the most drug action my body has ever seen! I never really take medication unless I'm really in pain or congested, so my body reacts quickly to drugs. That part makes me happy. At 9:45 my surgeon, Dr. Wu, comes in to see me in her full surgery ensemble and pulls the curtains to mark me for surgery. I sit up and face her, dropping the gown and exposing the chest that I am so embarrassed by. I thought my mom would turn away but no, she watched the measuring and marking. Curiousity I suppose. I was getting the vertical incision, 'lollipop' surgery so I suppose I was a bit curious to see how she was going to do it too. Dr. Wu finished the marking and had the crew wheel me in to the surgery room. Suddenly it was becoming surreal. This was it!

We enter the surgery room and immediately there are 5 or 6 people all bustling about prepping me. Someone's putting something on my legs to 'massage' them, someone else is putting on my puffy hat, someone else directing me to put my arms out to my sides and place them on two arm rests. Above my head I see the anesthesiologist putting the mask over my face. I close my eyes immediately and hear them say, "breathe deeply Krista, deeply. There you go".....And I was out.

I wake up moving my head back and forth and hearing someone say, "hold your head still Krista, you're waking up". My mom heard me mumble 'Sweet'. They start giving me ice chips and asking if I'm thirsty. I feel a bit nauseated and it starts to hit me that my chest feels really really tight. I ask for 7-up and water. They offer me a Vicodin but say I need to eat a few crackers. I start the first cracker which becomes paste in my mouth and hard to swallow. My mom refills my water and I finally eat the second cracker so that I can take the Vicodin. Meanwhile, they give me something in my IV for the nausea. My mom immediately starts to tell me that the surgery went very well and Dr. Wu took out about 4 lbs total and I was now a very full D cup. I thought 'oh my God, they were that huge?' I looked down and saw the newly wrapped up 'girls' and smiled. They looked so little and perky! I haven't seen them look like that in almost 20 years!

My dad walks in. That touched me. Dad hasn't been super involved in my life ever. So, to know that he drove up to see me was amazing. If I had tears, I know I would have cried. About another half hour goes by while mom and dad sit and talk with me. The recovery nurse asks me if I'd like to go home and I tell her I would love to. My dad steps out to let me get dressed and mom helps me put on my jacket and shoes. I sit down into the wheelchair and get wheeled out to the car. Nurse and dad help me in and dad thanks them for taking such good care of me. Dad tells mom he'll see her at home and mom and I head to my house.

I arrive home with mom at about 2:30 pm. Sis is there waiting for us. I still feel pretty nauseated so I'm not hungry. I start to make my own phone calls to people who wanted to know how everything went. All were surprised to hear my voice. I sat and watched tv for a while with ice packs on my chest. My sis made dinner around 6ish and I ate a little. The phone rang so I answered it. It was Dr. Wu checking in to see how I was feeling. I told her I felt good. Just the tight chest and a little sore. She was surprised I answered too. I went to bed that night around 10 pm but couldn't really get comfortable. I had to sleep in an upright position, which is impossible for me. I slept about 4 hours. Looking back I should have taken a painkiller...

Wednesday - Jan. 17th - I wake up feeling sore in my chest still. I took a painkiller and felt a bit hungry. Most of Wednesday was spent with more ice packs, eating little bites of food and regular painkillers. Sis and I left the house around 2 pm to go to my post-op in Modesto. We stopped first at the gas station. I got out and ran my credit card in the machine while she pumped the gas. Got back into the car and drove to MJC where she turned in my homework that was due. We then drove to Dr. Wu's office. She took off the bandages and there they were, standing at attention. My sis watched the whole process, again curiousity. She told me I could shower on Thursday. I asked about stitches and she said that I had three layers of dissolvable stitches. Hallelujah. I was curious to know exactly what she removed. Was it fat? Was it breast tissue? Glandular? She said it was mostly glandular, about 2 1/2 lbs or 1200 grams from one and 1 1/2 or 550 grams from the other. She said fat wouldn't have weighed that much or caused such a droop. She also told me that one cup size equals 200 grams. Woah. Wow. Hallelujah! So I did the math. Looks like I was a G cup on one side and a J cup on the other. And I was trying to shove them into an F cup for the last few years.

Thursday, Jan. 18th - Everything else hurts but my chest. Must be from trying to move around without using the ol' pecs. My friend calls and wants to visit and bring ice cream. Oh yes please! I go to the shower and get in cautiously. It feels great but I still can't raise my hands to my head well so my shampoo and conditioning is done sideways. No worries. I start to wean myself from painkillers and cabin fever sets in. Friends stop by and bring me goodies to eat.

Friday, Jan 19th - I slept 8 hours last night!! First time in weeks! Today I realized that I really need sleep and rest. I take a final round of painkillers and realize they aren't really necessary. Went on my first outing to Starbucks. Still don't have an appetite and stomach is sensitive. I had a friend stop me and say..."Have you lost weight?" I smile and say "Yes, 4 lbs."

I'm pretty much back to normal now except I tire out easily. I think I finally have my appetite back. Today I drove to the store and back. That took alot of effort. We'll see what tomorrow brings. I go back to see Dr. Wu for my one week post op appt on Wednesday morning. Hopefully, I'll get the okay to go back to work.

Today is the day

Today I have my surgery. I leave for the hospital in one hour. My mom is picking me up, staying through the surgery and then driving me home. My sis is staying with me for the next few days. I couldn't sleep very well last night being so nervous and excited and scared at the same time. I've been looking forward to this for three years and today is the day! Such a major event!

My friends are being so supportive and work is dealing without me for a week. So many people have asked if I need anything. The hardest part of this is giving up my freedom and independence for a week. I'm fairly self-sufficient and independent, so this will be a change.

A nurse friend last night told me that she was excited for me and wants to talk to me afterward because she's thinking of having a reduction too. She gave me a bit of advice too saying 'be prepared for what you see when the bandages come off. Meaning - my chest is going to be very bruised and they will not look like breasts for a little while. I'm okay with that, as long as they do at some point. :)

Now, I'm off to lala land of anesthesia. I'll see you in a few days.

Some things I didn't know about myself

It's funny. I've seen countless doctors in my life, but only recently did I find out I have two medical issues that I never knew about. It's interesting that, for some reason, these tidbits of info never quite got communicated to me. These aren't major issues per se, just...interesting.

1. I have a heart murmur. It's a little one, but it's there. At first it freaked me out 'cause I'm what you call a freaker-outer at times. You know who found it? A physician's assistant. But, at 34 years old you'd think that someone would have told me before now. So today I saw another doctor (my plastic surgeon - more about that next time) and she needed to listen to my heart. I asked her if she heard it. She said yes, it's little, no worries. I'm not freaked out about it anymore.

2. I'm allergic to penicillin. About 15 years ago I had a sinus infection. The only time I ever needed antibiotics in my life. I was prescribed a penicillin generic (I think) and developed a rash almost immediately. I called the doctor who called the pharmacy and got a different prescription. Well, 15 years later, every time I go to the doctor they ask me if I'm allergic to any medications. I always would say, I think I'm allergic to an antibiotic, but I don't know which one. You can imagine the looks and scoldings I get when they tell me I should find that out. So I called my old doctor and my old pharmacy. The pharmacy couldn't help me since their records didn't go back that far. My doctor's office never called me back and well...I kind of forgot about it. FF to yesterday. My surgeon asked me to find out so she could prescribe an antibiotic for after my surgery. So, today I went to my new doctor's office. I told them the situation and they went to the file room. Five minutes later (so fast!), the nurse came out and handed me a slip of paper that said 'positive for Penicillin'. I couldn't believe how easy that was!

So, what's this about surgery? I'm having breast reduction surgery in four days. I'm going from DDD+ to hopefully close to a D. I've been large chested all my life, starting at age 10 I was a B cup. By 7th grade I was a C and by 9th or 10th I was a D. They've been growing fairly steadily since then. I have all of the 'symptoms' of large breasts. Indents in my shoulders from the straps, frequent headaches, recurring back pain, that irritating rash underneath, difficulty finding clothes that fit, poor self image, etc. You get the idea. For the past five years, every day I look in the mirror and think I look absolutely horrible. I had a boyfriend once that said that he liked them but they were huge. He's the only man that I've been that close with and the only one who has experienced the massive creatures. I felt sooo insecure the entire time we went out because of them. My chest has been the topic of many jokes and comments. I feel like everyone is staring at them. So, I'm excited and scared at the same time. I'll update a few days after to journal my experiences.

O N E A N O T H E R

Be at peace with one another – Mark 9:50

Love one another – John 13:34

Be devoted to one another – Romans 12:10

Honor one another – Romans 12:10

Live in harmony with one another – Romans 12:16

Stop passing judgment on one another – Romans 14:13

Accept one another – Romans 15:7

Instruct one another – Romans 15:14

Greet one another – Romans 16:16

Serve one another – Galatians 5:13

Carry each other's burden – Galatians 6:2

Be patient, bearing with one another in love – Ephesians 4:2

Be kind and compassionate to one another – Ephesians 4:32

Forgive each other – Ephesians 4:32

Speak to one another with psalms, hymns and spiritual songs – Ephesians 5:19

Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ – Ephesians 5:21

In humility, consider others better than yourselves – Philippians 2:3

Teach one another – Colossians 3:16

Admonish one another – Colossians 3:16

Encourage one another – 1 Thessalonians 4:18

Build each other up – 1 Thessalonians 5:11

Spur one another on toward love and good deeds – Hebrews 10:24

Do not slander one another – James 4:11

Don't grumble against each other – James 5:9

Confess your sins to each other – James 5:16

Pray for one another – James 5:16

Introduction

Hi. I'm Krista. I'm also called brownkrista, #1, tall person, krista j, but really - I'm just plain ole' Krista. I started this blog to be able to chronicle my thoughts and photos. My friend A has one and always shows me her cool posts and I keep thinking, I gotta get me one of those things. So here I am, I did it. I have another one but I don't like it as much. All my friends know about that one. We'll see how long it takes for them to find this one.

The title of my blog is It's Always Something. You might ask what I mean. I'll tell you I don't know but there's always something going on in my life, something I'm stressing about, something I'm wishing for, some kind of drama, something that I learned about myself or others...you know some...thing....

don't ask if you don't have a plan
So, here we go. I'll start with the obvious thing. Yes I'm 34, yes I'm single, yes I want to marry, yes I'm cool, no I don't know why no one has snatched me up yet, no I don't have kids, yes I think I may want one, no I will not lower my standards. whew...You may think I'm being too hard on myself but really I've had to answer all of those questions plenty of times. I know it's just curiousity of people, but seriously if you're going to ask me, at least have an idea in mind. Like my friend V. Here's our conversation:

V: What kind of man do you like?
Me: A Christian, employed, breathing, intelligent, baby-faced, funny and built like a football player.
V: I know a guy that would be perfect for you. My friend M.
Me: Thanks V, but I hear that all the time.
V: No, he's great. You should meet him. Come to my church and I'll introduce you.
Me: Okay, but won't that be a little awkward? You know, when people ask me why I attended, I say, well there's this guy....
V: Ah, we'll tell them that you are just visiting and leave it at that.
Me: Cool, sure why not. Let's plan on it.

Now, I love V as a person. I love her for being the reason I know M today. But her follow thru at matchmaker - that stunk. Yes, I attended and yes I got to meet him. That was two or three years ago. In that time, I attended when I could - maybe 5 times. She never really helped after that. Never invited me over when he was coming over. Wanted to get me involved but then never followed thru. argh. So, being the wonderfully beautiful girl I am I pursued him you might say. In fact, he and I are good friends now. I think we're a bit on the verge really. But, it all came about by me actually jumping ship at my old church (there were other factors we won't talk about now) and I've started to attend her church every week.

Something I learned - friends may know what to do but sometimes they don't know how to do it.