Wow....what a difference a year makes

I just signed in after almost a year of not doing so. I think about it every so often & I even have a list of things that I want to blog about but I don't do it. Honestly, I think it's time to start fresh. Delete this here blog and start over. Will I keep up with a new blog any better than this one? eh, who knows. Maybe I'll just delete it and not start over with a new one. I mean, obviously I don't make time to write now, what would motivate me write in the future? And, would I end up making excuses for not posting even though nobody is really keeping track.

A lot has happened over the last year. It would probably take days to catch it all up so that seems like an exercise in futility. The death of my father is about a month worth of posts in and of itself. They say nothing prepares you for the death of a parent and that is an understatement.

The last time anyone in the blogger world heard, he had melanoma on his lip that was healed by radiation therapy. What I haven't posted is how he started to get very sick in June of last year, got sick very quickly, and was diagnosed with small cell carcinoma of the lung on August 3rd, 2010. I was there to say goodbye to him on August 17th, 2010 when he passed away. In all he was hospitalized six weeks. We still don't know how long he was battling before the official diagnosis. I fear it was months that he hid his pain.

So this past year I've had days when I felt great sadness, many days of regret, weeks of feeling displaced. Trying to explain the feelings are impossible. I feel angry & hurt that he didn't put forth the effort to get to know me as well as other fathers know their children. But, did I try? Sadly, I took for granted that he would be there for me even though I made no effort to be there for him.

I can't change the past but I can change the present and I can definitely impact the future. Showing my loved ones that I care is again #1 in my life. It just took losing the strongest man I knew to make me realize it.

I love you daddy. I know I didn't say it as often as I should have and I know that I didn't show it in the way I acted. I miss you terribly.

Checked Out

I know. Where on earth did I go? I've been here and there and everywhere else, just not here. I realized this is the place where I would complain or boast or cry out or be silly. It really has no purpose for me. Plus I'm way more private than some and I'm getting worse. Call it maturity, call it realizing nobody really wants to hear all of my daily activities or events call it laziness - I don't know.

Sure there's been lots of highs and definitely some lows but I haven't wanted to share it with the world, only my closest friends. Whatever happened to physical interaction? I miss that.

I like the idea of having a voice though, knowing that at any time I can sit and type out what I'm thinking or going through. The problem with me blogging it is - I'll get it all out and it's done. I won't go back and do follow-up unless someone asks. I am really trying not to dwell too long on fleeting worries and broken relationships. Most of the time I think, "I should just sit down and get this all out" and then I sleep on it. Sure enough, the next morning I think, "Wow, good thing I didn't get that all out, I would have really been mean or whiney or something."

I know that's the whole purpose of being able to journal, but when it's all out there for everyone to read you take a BIG chance in hurting someone or saying something inappropriate. That's the polar opposite of my life's goals.

So after all that, am I going to continue my blog? I don't know. I've been really thinking of starting over and making one with a purpose that I can be passionate about. Like foreign travel or biographical stuff or tv shows or books - yeah, that sounds good.