Great Unexpectations

Last night during my walk, I was talking to my friend Malibu. She's had a rough week. I reminded her that it was pint night. We called Ange to go too. We went out and ran into some friends at the pub, played a quick dice game, watched our friend dance like a gorilla - arms flailing about lol - we were hit on by old guys, etc. Sharing a glass of beer with good friends is so much fun. Girls night out was fantastic! We all left each other feeling like we could face another day. :)

Today was one of those days when you wake up to see the alarm clock glowing red with 7:55. Crap!! Luckily I had my clothes picked out and took a shower last night so I got up and dressed and out the door in 16 minutes.

The day went smoothly. Everyone was in a good mood and joking around. The morning flew by and the afternoon was productive.

My sis and I decided at lunch to hit the local Old Navy after I got off work. When we got there, we tried on lots of different clothes, but didn't find anything. Pretty disappointing considering how much I usually love shopping there. I didn't want to waste the trip, so I picked out some pj bottoms and a few unmentionables.

We walked to the car and got in. We both were feeling a bit hungry and decided to go to Chili's on a whim. Yummy steak fajita pita and molten lava cake. I swear I'll be good on my diet tomorrow. ;)

It was fun to be spotaneous!! It was great to spend time with my sis too. I love reconnecting and building those important relationships.

argh bleh

I can't sleep. It's 1:30 and I'm WIDE AWAKE. Why can't I just sleep like I used to? In bed by 11:00, asleep by 11:30. It's simple really. Nowadays, it's more like in bed by 12:00, maybe asleep by 12:3o or 1:00. This is ri-dam-diculous. I hate it. Normal people are way into REM sleep by now, but me.....no such luck.

Maybe it's 'cause I have so much on my mind. Boys are stupid and I can't for the life of me figure out why one, any of 'em, won't give me a shot. My friends are great but there's something unsure lying just underneath the surface there because I can feel it. I feel like my aunt is trying to be a martyr even tho I know she's not at all. Money is always an issue because I can't stick to a budget because I suck at saving money and I love to spend it. Work is going well but every so often I want to scream 'stop bugging me!!' to some of the newbies even tho I know they're just trying to learn and do their job. My health for the time being is stable but I fear what the future holds - heart disease, diabetes, arthritis and cancer all run in my family. Dang it, now it's 1:47.

Is this alot of complaining? Yep, I know it is. I think I just need to spew forth once in a while all the crap that's bogging me down. I try to hide it but there are many who can read me like primary grade book. This is that something I hate - showing that I'm weak and scared and lonely and unsure. I'm a big fan of things making sense and right now, nothing really does. 1:54.

A few years ago, someone asked me, 'when was the last time someone just held you and let you cry?' I didn't have an answer. So she held me close and let me cry and be still. I miss that feeling of comfort and someone telling me everything is going to be okay.

And I swear, if one more person asks me why I haven't tried eHarmony yet, I'm going to punch them in the face. Well, probably not. But I think I'm really going to be tempted. Truth is, I did. For a month. It's flipping $36 flushed neatly down a toilet.

So much piss-offedness in one girl. 2:03...and I've made up a new word.

Have you heard of leap-frogging? It's where you introduce two friends and then they start hanging out together exclusively and all of a sudden you feel like a horse's ass for feeling left out. yeah, I don't like that feeling either.

Lives are changing around me, in big, awesome, marvelous ways! I want a change. Why can't I have a change? I want some comfort. I want a little slice of what it feels like. I want positive attention. I want understanding and forgiveness. I want truth. I want my family to stop being so prideful and materialistic and one-upping. I want a few people to grow backbones, including myself. I want to sleep!!!!!! It is now 2:18...starting to fade finally.

Tomorrow will be better.

Keith and Julie got married today!

Here's proof:


Julie and Keith



Courtney and George



Courtney George and me. Yep I'm burnt. It was 100 degrees and I forgot the sunscreen.



Courtney and I before dinner.




George and Jon being silly. Notice the portable air conditioner by our table?


Congratulations! I love you two!

About Schmidt anyone?

My mom is funny. I'm just gonna put it out there. She is funny.

Today, she stopped by my house after church and asked me to do her a favor. hmmm...like what, ma??

She wanted me to take her picture to send to her little sponsor boy in Vietnam. How cute is that? She pulled out a disposable camera and we found a 'scenic' place in my backyard to take a pic. (I brought out my digi cam just in case her disposable camera pics don't turn out.)

And now I present to you...my mom. :o)

My new look

I have before and after shots now to show off my new look.

Before surgery:


After surgery:




I can't believe how much better I look and feel - physically and mentally.

Didn't know that was still in there

Last night, I was cleaning out more files and paperwork that is way past old from my room. I found old school papers, church bulletins, emails that I thought were important, etc. - all trash. I also found my very non-high-tech inventory list (written in Wordpad probably) of all of my cassette tapes from 10 years ago. Good Lord, Krista throw that crap out! Which I did.

Then I found a few little pieces of paper stuck in one of my keepsake boxes. I opened up the paper to read the name and phone # of my ex-whatever he was written in his own handwriting looking back at me, along with the receipt from Starbucks from our first date. I stared at it for a brief moment and then started feeling ill as if I was going to throw up. I kept murmuring incoherent words and gripping the paper. I felt a release from the center of my being. I started to cry, a little at first and then more came. I kept thinking that I haven't cried that hard in a long time - the kind of crying that makes your whole mouth turn numb and into an O shape. It's a deep emotional cry for me. I couldn't stop and all I could think of was I really needed someone to talk to.

I had to crumple the paper in my hand and throw it in the trash. I picked up my cell phone - 9:15 pm. Desperately I scrolled thru names trying to find someone who knows the story behind this madness - no she's pregnant and probably sleeping, no she's on vacation, no he's probably at work, no he'll laugh at me, no she's a good listener but can't relate, no she's out with other friends tonight, no I can't call him...people always dump on him. On and on I went, name after name.

Finally, I decided that I had to call someone, so I called A. I told her what just happened and she listened. She listened and she didn't judge, she didn't laugh at me. She told me I wasn't crazy and that she understood. She also said something that made me realize what happened, she said "Maybe the demons he left with you finally decided to get out". We laughed together, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized it was probably true.

I called another friend K who I thought might be home and she was supportive too. She's young, but she actually understood and could relate. She listened and empathized. At that moment I knew I called the right people.

I don't know if I'm completely done healing. Last night was a major step but who knows how long it will be until the next step. I like to think that life is all about learning. Learning things about yourself and the world around you every day. Last night I learned that I needed to let go of more baggage that was hidden deep within my soul. I also realized that there are people in my life that care about me and don't know why I am hurting, but I fear telling them because it will hurt them too.

"To love at all is to be vulnerable.

Love anything and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken."

- CS Lewis

I had to think about this. How many times have I broken God's heart? He loves me more than anything. Does he cry over me? He made Himself vulnerable here on earth and was broken so that I can receive His grace. What do I do with His love?

Riley - my buddy

Today I woke up hearing Riley crying. It wasn't his usual cry, more of a 'I'm really in pain' kind of cry. He managed to jump off the the bed, then when he tried to start walking, he couldn't. He was dragging his back legs behind him. He started crawling down the hall, crying the whole way.

My sis and I thought maybe he had something stuck or that he tweaked something in his back enough that it was pinched or something. I started to pet him and he just kept crying. I touched his leg and it felt light. I lifted his leg up to see if he kept it up and no, it fell back to the floor.

We called the vet and they said to bring him right in. So we picked him up and put him in the carrier. We called both of our jobs and told them the situation. We took Riley to the vet, still crying and now throwing up. He still couldn't move his lower half.

The vet asked if he may have been hit by a car, but no he's an inside cat. The vet listened to his heart, then followed the artery down to his leg. The vet looked up and I knew it wasn't good. He was very sweet about it.

Riley had a heart condition that we weren't aware of. It was a galloping murmur that caused him to have blood clots. We never saw any clots so we didn't know. Otherwise he's been a very happy and healthy cat, we've never even had to take him to the vet. the only time he's ever been to the vet was for his neuter. This time around he had a very large clot that had traveled to his legs and was blocking his femoral arteries, basically cutting off 90% of the circulation to his legs. The vet told us he didn't hear a pulse in one of his legs.

We had two options, we could go all out meaning doing invasive surgery and removing the clot and putting him on meds giving him a 10% chance of survival or we could put him to sleep. I had already told myself when I first got him that if anything major happened to him, I wasn't going to go to extensive lengths to try to save any pet, no matter how special they are. I told the doctor that I thought it would be best to put him to sleep. I started to cry. He gave him a shot for the pain and gave us some time to say goodbye. I petted Riley and told him I would miss him. I told myself it was the best thing for him. It all happened so fast, I'm glad he didn't suffer too long.

We left the vet's office about 8:45 and proceeded to go to work. I took lunch a little early since I still felt like I needed to ball my eyes out. I didn't think it would hurt this much, but it does. Just knowing I won't have him around anymore makes me very very sad.

He was full of mischief and humor. He was a love bucket. I never got a good picture of it, but he had a heart shaped patch of white on his chest which stood out against his black hair. To lose him this close to Valentine's Day with a heart condition just kind of seems fitting.

I'm going to miss him.