Last night, I was cleaning out more files and paperwork that is way past old from my room. I found old school papers, church bulletins, emails that I thought were important, etc. - all trash. I also found my very non-high-tech inventory list (written in Wordpad probably) of all of my cassette tapes from 10 years ago. Good Lord, Krista throw that crap out! Which I did.
Then I found a few little pieces of paper stuck in one of my keepsake boxes. I opened up the paper to read the name and phone # of my ex-whatever he was written in his own handwriting looking back at me, along with the receipt from Starbucks from our first date. I stared at it for a brief moment and then started feeling ill as if I was going to throw up. I kept murmuring incoherent words and gripping the paper. I felt a release from the center of my being. I started to cry, a little at first and then more came. I kept thinking that I haven't cried that hard in a long time - the kind of crying that makes your whole mouth turn numb and into an O shape. It's a deep emotional cry for me. I couldn't stop and all I could think of was I really needed someone to talk to.
I had to crumple the paper in my hand and throw it in the trash. I picked up my cell phone - 9:15 pm. Desperately I scrolled thru names trying to find someone who knows the story behind this madness - no she's pregnant and probably sleeping, no she's on vacation, no he's probably at work, no he'll laugh at me, no she's a good listener but can't relate, no she's out with other friends tonight, no I can't call him...people always dump on him. On and on I went, name after name.
Finally, I decided that I had to call someone, so I called A. I told her what just happened and she listened. She listened and she didn't judge, she didn't laugh at me. She told me I wasn't crazy and that she understood. She also said something that made me realize what happened, she said "Maybe the demons he left with you finally decided to get out". We laughed together, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized it was probably true.
I called another friend K who I thought might be home and she was supportive too. She's young, but she actually understood and could relate. She listened and empathized. At that moment I knew I called the right people.
I don't know if I'm completely done healing. Last night was a major step but who knows how long it will be until the next step. I like to think that life is all about learning. Learning things about yourself and the world around you every day. Last night I learned that I needed to let go of more baggage that was hidden deep within my soul. I also realized that there are people in my life that care about me and don't know why I am hurting, but I fear telling them because it will hurt them too.
"To love at all is to be vulnerable.
Love anything and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken."
- CS Lewis
I had to think about this. How many times have I broken God's heart? He loves me more than anything. Does he cry over me? He made Himself vulnerable here on earth and was broken so that I can receive His grace. What do I do with His love?
