I can't sleep. It's 1:30 and I'm WIDE AWAKE. Why can't I just sleep like I used to? In bed by 11:00, asleep by 11:30. It's simple really. Nowadays, it's more like in bed by 12:00, maybe asleep by 12:3o or 1:00. This is ri-dam-diculous. I hate it. Normal people are way into REM sleep by now, but me.....no such luck.
Maybe it's 'cause I have so much on my mind. Boys are stupid and I can't for the life of me figure out why one, any of 'em, won't give me a shot. My friends are great but there's something unsure lying just underneath the surface there because I can feel it. I feel like my aunt is trying to be a martyr even tho I know she's not at all. Money is always an issue because I can't stick to a budget because I suck at saving money and I love to spend it. Work is going well but every so often I want to scream 'stop bugging me!!' to some of the newbies even tho I know they're just trying to learn and do their job. My health for the time being is stable but I fear what the future holds - heart disease, diabetes, arthritis and cancer all run in my family. Dang it, now it's 1:47.
Is this alot of complaining? Yep, I know it is. I think I just need to spew forth once in a while all the crap that's bogging me down. I try to hide it but there are many who can read me like primary grade book. This is that something I hate - showing that I'm weak and scared and lonely and unsure. I'm a big fan of things making sense and right now, nothing really does. 1:54.
A few years ago, someone asked me, 'when was the last time someone just held you and let you cry?' I didn't have an answer. So she held me close and let me cry and be still. I miss that feeling of comfort and someone telling me everything is going to be okay.
And I swear, if one more person asks me why I haven't tried eHarmony yet, I'm going to punch them in the face. Well, probably not. But I think I'm really going to be tempted. Truth is, I did. For a month. It's flipping $36 flushed neatly down a toilet.
So much piss-offedness in one girl. 2:03...and I've made up a new word.
Have you heard of leap-frogging? It's where you introduce two friends and then they start hanging out together exclusively and all of a sudden you feel like a horse's ass for feeling left out. yeah, I don't like that feeling either.
Lives are changing around me, in big, awesome, marvelous ways! I want a change. Why can't I have a change? I want some comfort. I want a little slice of what it feels like. I want positive attention. I want understanding and forgiveness. I want truth. I want my family to stop being so prideful and materialistic and one-upping. I want a few people to grow backbones, including myself. I want to sleep!!!!!! It is now 2:18...starting to fade finally.
Tomorrow will be better.
