Wow....what a difference a year makes

I just signed in after almost a year of not doing so. I think about it every so often & I even have a list of things that I want to blog about but I don't do it. Honestly, I think it's time to start fresh. Delete this here blog and start over. Will I keep up with a new blog any better than this one? eh, who knows. Maybe I'll just delete it and not start over with a new one. I mean, obviously I don't make time to write now, what would motivate me write in the future? And, would I end up making excuses for not posting even though nobody is really keeping track.

A lot has happened over the last year. It would probably take days to catch it all up so that seems like an exercise in futility. The death of my father is about a month worth of posts in and of itself. They say nothing prepares you for the death of a parent and that is an understatement.

The last time anyone in the blogger world heard, he had melanoma on his lip that was healed by radiation therapy. What I haven't posted is how he started to get very sick in June of last year, got sick very quickly, and was diagnosed with small cell carcinoma of the lung on August 3rd, 2010. I was there to say goodbye to him on August 17th, 2010 when he passed away. In all he was hospitalized six weeks. We still don't know how long he was battling before the official diagnosis. I fear it was months that he hid his pain.

So this past year I've had days when I felt great sadness, many days of regret, weeks of feeling displaced. Trying to explain the feelings are impossible. I feel angry & hurt that he didn't put forth the effort to get to know me as well as other fathers know their children. But, did I try? Sadly, I took for granted that he would be there for me even though I made no effort to be there for him.

I can't change the past but I can change the present and I can definitely impact the future. Showing my loved ones that I care is again #1 in my life. It just took losing the strongest man I knew to make me realize it.

I love you daddy. I know I didn't say it as often as I should have and I know that I didn't show it in the way I acted. I miss you terribly.

Lumpy Bed

Every so often when I come home for lunch I can't find Sarah right away. This is usually why:

Notice that "something" has messed up my sort of made bed.



Hmmm.....there seems to be a lump under there....
(secret trick, if you poke at the lump, it meows)




aha, pull away the covers more and guess what you find?
-- she loves soft, snuggly blankets! And, apparently being warm!

I've been in mourning

I haven't been posting lately - ever since I heard that Kevin was getting married life hasn't seemed quite as sunny. :( But seriously, congrats to adorable Kevin and his new ....ahem.... wife. sigh...

Tea Time

Last night I went to a tea for an awesome friend of mine in honor of her upcoming wedding. Sounds like fun, doesn't it? It was neat to see people I hadn't seen in a while and have tea and dessert while catching up.

Then the games began - well, more like an open discussion with prizes. I was assured it was everyone-friendly meaning the questions would be open to married and single ladies. Turns out, not so much. Sadly, I kept wanting to get up and go because everyone there was either married, engaged, had been engaged or in a long-term relationship or at least had a steady boyfriend. I felt really out of place. I have none of those and feel pretty alone right now. Doesn't help that the night before I was at a dinner/movie with all couples except me.
I know I'm the minority in the group - I get that - and it still makes me feel like crap sometimes.

This single life is hard! Sure there are the freedoms of being able to do whatever I want when I want but, but....

Besides, the pats on the back and the sad face sideways glances don't really help anymore. The 'you just haven't met the right one' business is an easy out kind of answer too. Why not? I've prayed and I've asked people to pray. I've joined at least five or six dating websites. Nothing has clicked. It's borderline ridiculous.

In the meantime, I get through each day, week, month hoping that this is the holiday season that I can bring home a guy for my family to meet. It hurts. It breaks my heart. But I press on.

Checked Out

I know. Where on earth did I go? I've been here and there and everywhere else, just not here. I realized this is the place where I would complain or boast or cry out or be silly. It really has no purpose for me. Plus I'm way more private than some and I'm getting worse. Call it maturity, call it realizing nobody really wants to hear all of my daily activities or events call it laziness - I don't know.

Sure there's been lots of highs and definitely some lows but I haven't wanted to share it with the world, only my closest friends. Whatever happened to physical interaction? I miss that.

I like the idea of having a voice though, knowing that at any time I can sit and type out what I'm thinking or going through. The problem with me blogging it is - I'll get it all out and it's done. I won't go back and do follow-up unless someone asks. I am really trying not to dwell too long on fleeting worries and broken relationships. Most of the time I think, "I should just sit down and get this all out" and then I sleep on it. Sure enough, the next morning I think, "Wow, good thing I didn't get that all out, I would have really been mean or whiney or something."

I know that's the whole purpose of being able to journal, but when it's all out there for everyone to read you take a BIG chance in hurting someone or saying something inappropriate. That's the polar opposite of my life's goals.

So after all that, am I going to continue my blog? I don't know. I've been really thinking of starting over and making one with a purpose that I can be passionate about. Like foreign travel or biographical stuff or tv shows or books - yeah, that sounds good.

My Life in Song

This looked fun! I'm using U2 songs (and album titles)

Using only song titles (covers count) from only one artist, cleverly answer these questions.

1. Are you male or female: Big Girls Are Best

2. Describe yourself: One Step Closer

3. How do you feel about yourself: Running to Stand Still

4. Describe your ex boyfriend/girlfriend: The Refugee

5. Describe your current boy/girl situation: I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For

6. Describe your current location: Where the Streets Have No Name

7. Describe where you want to be: In God's Country

8. Your best friends are: Sweetest Thing

9. Your favorite color is: Indian Summer Sky

10. You know that: Some Days Are Better Than Others

11. What's the weather?: Beautiful Day

12. If your life was a television show what would it be called: When I Look At the World

I am NOT a Phoenix

I'm looking into taking classes online to get my degree in a specialized field and do it faster than junior college. So, I went onto University of Phoenix's website to check into the cost. Well..of course they ask for contact info (which I hate giving out) but I thought "what's the harm? maybe they'll call once and that will be the end of it". Yeah....

Oh yes, they called once, then twice and then three times. I answered the third time and said I really couldn't talk then and I just wanted to know pricing. They said they would call back. And they did...24 times in 10 days!! I sent them to voicemail each time. It was kind of fun, for a while.

So the fun part - they called on a totally different number yesterday. I answered and the guy started to explain who he was. I stopped him and said, "oh you changed numbers to try and trick me huh? *chuckle* I thought you folks would give up after trying 24 times". Silence.

Then he said, "Ma'am, this is the first time I've called." Okay, he is either the new guy that got stuck with my number or he was lying. Either way, I made him take me off their call list and my phone has been blissfully quiet ever since.